Monday, June 13, 2011

I miss the guy who used to chase me even after the chase.

I have always been in love with the idea of change. Ever since I was a kid, I always yearn for something different. But not this time. Definitely not today.

All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.  ~Ellen Glasgow

No outfit posts for today. No rants about love from a teenager either.

Last night, I got a text message from a friend. It was really a joke, but my reaction to it was exactly the opposite of what people would initially feel.

 GF: I hate you!! With all my heart I hate you!
BF: I hate you too! You bitch!
GF: I may be a bitch but you're a jerk!! Damn you!
BF: Say whatever you wanna say, stupid woman! We're so done!
GF: I'm really stupid! I don't even know why I love someone like you, jerk!
BF: What? You love me?
GF: Yes I love you.
BF: Aw. I love you too. :)

Yes, I cried. This has always been the perfect description of our relationship. We fight a lot, we say mean things to each other due to the extreme intensity of emotions, but right after those drama, we see to it that we settle the things that should be settled. We were used to this kind of set-up that whatever happens, it would still be "us" at the end of the day and nothing could ever change that. 

But today's different. A lot different. Those "I love you's" and "You're special's" are no longer enough to fix what's broken. I don't know what happened. I don't know how we arrived at this certain phase in our lives. All I know is that the pain is unbearable.Too unbearable, that even words cannot explain how painful it is.

Honestly, I feel very weak whenever I think of our "sinking relationship." Have you ever thought of being inside a sinking boat with the person you love the most?  You want to save the life of that person with all our heart. You want to do everything just to keep him alive. But as you do your best to save him, a harsh reality slaps you right in the face: you don't know how to swim. And the worst comes afterwards. You both sink into the bottom of the ocean, clueless of what would happen next. That's how I feel right now. We're about to sink but I'm still fighting. I don't know how to swim, but what keeps me alive is my courage to face the forces of the current. I have always been like this: a fighter for love. I know it's already a cliche, but it's one of the characteristics that I'll be forever known for. I'm never a quitter, I never surrender, - for no one ever succeeded for giving up and letting go.

Aside from prayers, this poem never failed to give me hope.


I want to be so many things for you.
I want to be someone who reminds you every single day how much you are loved.
I want to be someone who makes you happy.
I want to be someone you can trust. With absolutely everything. everything you feel like sharing. Every hope and worry. Every joy. Every sorrow.
I want to be the one person you can always turn to. Someone you can laugh with whenever you want to, cry with if you ever need to, and just be yourself with... anytime.
I want to be the one thing you're sure about.
I want to be someone who makes you smile a million times more than I make you frown.
I want to make beautiful memories with you.
I want to go so many places with you.
I want to see more sunsets with you than I could even begin to count.
I want to sit across from you at dinner.
I want to talk about the day.
I want to hold you and walk with you and say a quiet thanks for you as many time as I possibly can.. in my time on this earth.

I want to be a part of your tomorrows.
I want you to be a part of every one of mine.
And more than anything else,

I want to be what you think of..
...every time you think of happiness
and forever
and love.

Whenever we're experiencing the "on-the-rocks" stage, I always read this poem. It was the first time he gave a letter to me. It was a gift for our second month, and honestly, it's really one of the best gifts I ever received so far. I shed a tear or two whenever I read this. It gives me hope that sooner or later, the good old days will be back, the good old us will return to life, and the spark of love will continue its glow until the day after forever. 

It's all just memories fading into a never-ending blur...

Yet I'm still holding on.


ghoent said...

=( i hope you'll be able to fix things.

but ultimately i hope for the best thing for both of you, whether apart or together.


Gizelle Faye | Vanilla Ice Cream said...

awwwww....i'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.
hope everything works out. maybe you should hold back on the harsh words for now..and think of the positive.

♥ GIVEAWAY at vanilla ice cream ♥

Mikimoto Angel said...

This post (especially the poem) just makes me sad. I know you'll get better soon. EVerything will fall into place.

Much love from Mystic Nymph

Kimberly said...

i cried when i read this things can get so tough and may even feel like there's no way to fix it but there always is if you keep fighting and never give up things could eventually get better and the spark will be back i understand what you're feeling it's definitely something i've felt dozens of times but right now things feel better than ever and that could happen as long as you know he's fighting for it too

Daphne said...

Awww I feel for you dear. There are reasons why we hold on, maybe things are a blur right now but you will understand everything soon enough. I hope you can get through this. :)

laurenstar said...



Kumiko Mae said...

awww i love this post. i love the fight! agree that change is good

Nikki Abella said...

Thanks everyone! :) I love you all!

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